How parents and society propagate attitudes that promote domestic violence ?

Reading about domestic violence at IHM, and solilo's blog set me thinking. -

A friend who finished her MBA in Bajaj in 1993 told me she did not have the guts to marry a man she loved. If the man physically abuses me whom will I turn to ? what would happen if I get divorced. Who will look after the kids ?. A topper all throughout school and and at college, socially popular who became a pharmaceutical executive and travelled, imbibed attitudes and values from home, school, and society. Stops you to think !?

Why did she think that a man can get physically violent at her ? After all she was well qualified to stand on her feet and could walk out any time if confronted with a violent situation. Is it more so to do with her mental make up which was formed of existing culture and social upbringing , where she was scared to stand alone in society, even when she was financially very well independent? It takes a village to raise a human being , goes the wisdom.

In India, in the villages where still courts and family courts have not been heard, panchayat, a group of village elders, formed mostly of men decide several matters of the village and some of them bring family matters to them. Some of the men are wise, some are biased, some prejudiced, Mostly religious and thoughts and decisions taken on the basis of religious framework often quoting role models of mythological characters from the texts. Decisions some fair, some otherwise get ingrained in the minds of young boys and girls who are silent observers of these proceedings growing up in the village.

Many of us who are reading this have grown in urban areas and would wonder what is common between the rural India and the urban India which now reels under the western limelight. Growing up We have heard this from teachers, uncles, aunts, parents and grandparents who have been raised with folk tales and stories that set a context and a frame for thinking within societal accepted norms and mores which have been followed through many generations. These elders grew up in villages and they have carried these impressions with them when they migrated from the village to the town and the city where they have found work. Except for the change in location, everything has remained the same.

Moral policing in fact is enforced because they are scared that with moving to urban/semi urban areas where media resides, that they will not loose their culture and traditional attitudes. Sometimes parents have wanted to challenge these impressions, but they were afraid to stand out. Only few parents questioned and did not succumb to social pressure. And a handful impart and encourage attitudes in their children that helps them to grow as a logical, reasoning, thinking human being.

Many Parents are scared, that they would become a topic for community gossip, hence conform. Some might allow their children to wear western clothing and be educated in elite colleges, but at home, there is a circle drawn – where they were forced to stand inside and obey. Some of the questions are not entertained nor discussed. “That is how the culture was, is and will remain. Our parents have followed it and so will you.” is a very popular tone heard in many houses.

Wealthy parents even threaten their sons that they would not be recipients of inheritance if they walk away from tradition. Parents also want to be accepted and recognized in society and not to be known as having a daughter who is disobedient ( Read: She knows what she wants and can go get it). People who raise questions are often subject of community ridicule and snubbed “here comes the social reformer.”

India is slowly emerging out of these villages, but in urban, semi-urban areas these take the form of social pressure, accepted norms, mores , societies and still work just like in the rural areas, except it is now happening in towns and cities. The same attitude, where they have no place for women and a place for men.

Mother to a 9 year old daughter, Please put back the toys after playing. And put back your brothers toys too. Set the table for dinner.
Mother to a 9 year old son, Wash your hands and sit at the table. Your sister will bring you hot rotis.

Mother to a 10 year old daughter, one day you will get married and you will have your own house.
Mother to a 10 year old son,- this is your house .

Mother to a 11 year old daughter, One day you will have a job, you will get married and your salary will be your husbands.
Mother to a 11 year old son, One day you will have a job, and you can spend the money the way you want.

Mother to a 12 year old daughter, You are getting older, you must not play with boys.
Mother to a 12 year old son, it is 5 o’ clock. Go and play it is Good for your bones.

Mother to a daughter who is 13, So what if the boy bullied you on the play ground. They are boys, they will shout, they will tease. You are a girl. Shut your mouth. Pretend not to hear and walk away.
Mother to a son who is 13, This is the age to play, and have fun, play your heart out .

Mother to a daughter who is 14, Wash your clothes and your brothers too before you sit to do your homework.
Mother to a son who is 14, Focus on your school work, you have to take the entrance and get a seat in an engineering or medical college.

Mother to a daughter who is 15, Do your homework . Come back to help me make dinner after you are done. And then go back and study some more. These days if you study well and get a good job, we will have to give less dowry.

Mother to a son who is 17, It is okay to go around with girls, have fun, it is your age.
Mother to a daughter who is 17. Don’t look at any boy in the eye. You will marry whom we tell you to.. don’t ask too many questions. I said so.

Mother to a daughter who turned 18 , You will marry whom we pick as your husband. In marriage a compromise must be arrived. Obey your husband. If you do not listen to him, he might get angry, he might raise a hand, but don’t hit back. Whatever happens you will not come back. That’s your husband’s house and you will listen to all the rules of the house. There are some traditions in our family, where the married daughter is not called. So don’t feel bad. It has been a tradition that has been in our family and it would continue.

Mother to a daughter, I give what I earn to your father. If your husband asks for your salary, give it to him. You are now married. Your money is his money too.
Mother to a Son, Be careful with your money. Young girls these days overspend their salaries. So you have to keep an eye on her .

A Brother to a sister, Can you wash my clothes please? I need that for work tomorrow. In any case, you will have to wash your husband’s clothes after you get married. So start practicing now . The earlier the better. It is better to have an attitude of servitude and avoid confrontations and frustrations. That’s the recipe of a happy marriage.

I don’t want my child to be obedient, writes smitha